Tips to improve your walking experience by an idiot

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Since it’s winter and the days are shorter, I haven’t been able to get out on my bike much, but I have been walking everywhere, normally at least 5km and I’m hoping to crack a 10km this week. It’s less demanding than bike riding but it’s still plenty of exercise, so that must mean it’s good for you. I thought I’d share some of my tips to improve your walking experience so you too can become the neighbourhood’s quickest walking animal.

  1. Start Fast. This is the most important step, you need to launch yourself down the pathway like a jumbo jet about to take off an airstrip. When you start it’s all about asserting neighbourhood walking dominance, you can slow down later, but right now it’s about showing the neighbourhood who is boss. If you want to go full noise, then attempt some lunges or stretches on your fence before you start.
  2. Music Selection. If you’re listening to Adele or some country music whilst walking, you’re better off back home cry-wanking in the shower, or lying in bed looking up memes on the internet, what you need to be listening to is something that turns you into an animal, something that reminds you why you’re nothing but a beast. I listen to a lot of Slipknot and Mudvayne, whatever you choose, make it something that makes you a monster and not remembering some teenage break up you went through.
  3. Breathe. Remember to breathe, if you don’t breathe you will die.
  4. Passing People. If you walk in a walking populated area, you probably have experienced the devastation of been passed and the Olympic gold medalist feeling of passing someone. To make this more fun what I do is see who I will pass in the distance and make it my life goal at that time to catch them in record speed. Once I am about to pass them, I go so as slow as humanly possible, it’s also a good time to pull out your phone and take a selfie or send a txt, once you have passed them continue walking really slow for 50mtrs, this will make the person you pass feel really shit, even more so when you take off again like the animal you are, but more importantly they will walk faster next time, so really you’re helping them. When you get passed, brush it off, you’ll get them next time.
  5. Say Hello. Walkers seem to be super friendly people, they say hello to everyone, so make sure you’re doing the same. It’s not quality banter by any stretch, but it is important to enter in the formalities of it all.
  6. Explore. Make your walk more interesting and walk in places you don’t often go to, this turns a walk into an adventure and adventures sound so much cooler than walking.
  7.  Apps. Download an app like Strava or Map My Run, there’s nothing like seeing the distance you have covered off for motivation. Also, apps are essential tools for bragging rights and annoying people on social media.
  8. Finish Strong. Last but not least, you need to finish how you started, It’s doesn’t matter if you spent 4km waddling like a grandma, this last 100mtrs is where it matters most, finish like the walking animal you are. Bonus points for warm down stretches and lunges on your fence.

 

 

Angus Westgarth

Author: Angus Westgarth

Proud Timaruvian. Dabbler in many things. Tired.

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