Self Service Checkout Rage

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Self Service Checkout Rage.


This post may actually make me completely check the fuck out.

Self service checkouts, they’re fucking amazing. Five years ago I couldn’t have imagined walking through a supermarket without having to utter some fake small talk to a complete stranger as they packed my groceries, knowing they probably put more effort and enthusiasm into swiping away on Tinder than they do swiping your groceries barcodes. I would often catch myself before saying something stupid in reply to their small talk and just stick to my rule of answering “good” to whatever they asked. Sometimes, however, my big mouth operates a lot faster than my tiny mind and one time a “checkout chick” took a liking to a breakfast cereal I had bought.

“Oh I REALLLLY love this stuff, it’s SOOOOO good”

My brain went into overdrive, this wasn’t the usual “Are you having a good day?” talk they are programmed to feed me.

“You must have really good taste”

At this point I’m standing there a little flattered and very confused.

“Is that right?” I ask.

Then I stone cold stare her in the eye and blurt out…

“Well that’s good to know, I guess my four year-old will really enjoy them”

As she scanned the rest of my stuff she stood there red faced and I stood there waiting for her to spit in my potatoes.

Annnyyywaaaaaayyyy, all this can now be avoided because of self-service checkouts — nothing beats avoiding other people and giving yourself a nice feeling of  accomplishment as you scan the groceries yourself. However like all good things, it takes just a couple of stupid people to ruin a very good thing.

Now, anyone that knows me knows how much this one thing in particular causes me all sorts of irrational rage. Trolleys DO NOT belong in the self service area.



If your grocery effort warrants a trolley then you’re grown-up enough to go sort that shit with some small talk and queue elsewhere.  Where I shop, it’s blatantly obvious (even to the blind) they aren’t even meant to be used there as a trolley selfishly takes up two of these checkouts. Yet some dunder-headed cockwombles think they can have the best of both worlds and STILL fucking do this. Usually when it’s busy. Yes, these plonkers, in their quest to avoid a queue at the old-school checkouts, then create a giant cluster-fuck of a queue at the the self-service.

Oh fuck this. This type of shit pisses me off way too much. I’ve just spent over an hour with my face deeply buried in my hands, cringing at the thought of this arrogant lady that I remember doing just this, trying to act like she couldn’t see how pissed-off everyone was with her. So before I have another fucking heart attack, I’ll leave with you this simple check-list to help you figure out if you should use the self-service checkout.

Should I use the the Self Service checkout?

  • I have only enough items to fill a basket
  • I’m tough and carry my groceries
  • I don’t have a trolley
  • I don’t like small talk and don’t have a trolley
  • I’m not stupid enough to take a trolley through self-service
  • I’m under the influence and don’t want to deal with people (but still don’t have a trolley)


The key to all this is really quite simple — Don’t take a trolley through the self service checkouts. If you do, I will find you. Assuming your act of complete selfish stupidity hasn’t killed me first.






Angus Westgarth

Author: Angus Westgarth

Proud Timaruvian. Dabbler in many things. Tired.

One Comment

  1. Justin Brosnan

    First world problems right here.

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