New Town Slogans for Timaru

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According to reports on Stuff, Timaru is on the hunt for a new town slogan — a $120,000 hunt. The apparent front runner in unofficial surveys was “Timaz Hard”, but this has been ruled out by councillors due to negative press surrounding the term. I didn’t think it was that bad — in the past we have had “feel the heartbeat” that, rather than capture the town’s spirit, served more as a reminder to check our grandparents’ vital signs. “Touch, taste, feel’ which was tried on for size when Timaru was in the middle of an identity crisis and thought it was either a refreshing drink, a piece of delicious fruit, or a soft-core adult film.

Dave Jack believed "Timaz Hard" sounded like a sex toy.

Timaru councillor Dave Jack believed “Timaz Hard” sounded like a sex toy.

I’m a proud Timaruvian, so with “Timaz Hard” dead in the water and one councillor confusing it for a sex toy (I haven’t made that up), I took it upon myself to save the Timaru Council $120,000 and generously gift them a little list I have been sitting on.

  • Timaru, its not as bad as you may have heard.
  • Timaru, because your parents had sex here.
  • Timaru, it’s good enough for your grandmother.
  • Timaru, still not as many STDs as Hamilton.
  • We used to be the Riviera of the South.
  • There’s no I in team, but there is in Timaru.
  • Better than Oamaru.
  • It’s not Timaru without U.
  • WE HAVE PENGUINS.
  • Timaru, don’t worry the carnies are here only 1 month a year.
  • Timaru, the affordable Nelson.
  • Timaru, a delightful place to die.
  • Timaru, if you reach it, you’ve gone too far.
  • Timaru, even we don’t know what that smell is.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, these are shit and don’t let my terrible sense of humour lead you to believe I don’t love this town, because I do. Shit, I’ve worked on previous promos for the town (Tell a Friend, and don’t get me started on Gigatown). The real joke here is the council is considering giving $120,000 to an advertising agency to gift us another terrible title? And what baffles me even more, according to the Suff article they want to add Mandarin to the welcome signs, I’m all for celebrating a multicultural town if we were actually one, sure we are taking the right steps but to start pretending we are little China is ridiculous. Baby steps, Timaru council! Lets get the slogan right first and only then we can begin to pretend we live in a different country.

Over and out from the town of tomorrow, today.

Angus Westgarth

Author: Angus Westgarth

Proud Timaruvian. Dabbler in many things. Tired.

3 Comments

  1. Pleased Timaz Hard has been rejected!!!

  2. Better than Oamaru? Yes, your humour needs work! (And you really need to get out more) 😂

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